#024: How Long

How long can I stay like this? How long can I find this is okay and how long before I find this is not enough for me? How long before I turn greedy and want more, with the possibility of turning into a monster and destroying this and myself with it. Shouldn’t I stop this freefall, grab hold of something instead of continuously waiting to hit rockbottom, fall face flat and perhaps just…die in the hollow depths of my heart of this particular love?

It’s not fair to myself. With you, I feel both happiness and sadness. Alone, I feel the pangs of loneliness from this almost meaningless infatuation.

Am I hoping for anything?

Can I truly be patient and just wait for a way out…or, to be mean and selfish, finally a door in?

I wanna know what’s going on in your mind. I wish I knew how you feel about me. And I would love to just be honest just so you could hit reality in my face and let me just slowly pick the pieces of my heart back and glue it back together, at my own pace.

The mention, the sight of that – a good reminder of where I stand and where you are. And yet, I can’t stay away at all. I can’t pull away. Instead, I continue wandering aimlessly in this dark cave of uncertainty and suicide.

How can I choose this happiness that comes with such misery as well?

 

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