Human

Hi there. Do you know anger? Resentment? Hope lost? End of the line? When do you know that it’s really time to give up and it’s OKAY to give up? 

Being human can be so beautiful and yet so ugly. We know how to love but we also know how to hate. We know how to give but we also know how to be selfish. We can choose to ignore or simply be ignorant by character. 

Which side do you choose and is it a conscious decision? 

I fear a lot of things but above all, you are the biggest fear. I fear your anger. I fear your temper. I fear the simple words and actions that could trigger your anger; yet I wouldn’t have known that’s what it was until it was too late. I fear my fear of you. I fear the possibility that I can’t tell if this is really impossible or I am or you are. I fear what happens to me if I stay and if I go. 

I fear that this is a mistake. 

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Nowhere

There is no meaning to watching a screen; none whatsoever to wait for a status to change from ‘online’ to the blankness that is ‘offline’ and back again. But really, all you were hoping for—for just a breath of a second—is to see the status ‘typing’.

There is no meaning to refreshing a feed, hoping for an update—the only update you have of a possible place of thought he has of anything at all. Of the two of you.

There is no meaning to checking every place on the virtual Internet for traces of him thinking about you or worse, not thinking about you.

There is no meaning to jumping up to see if any noise in the dark on the roads outside was him pulling up to your front gate.

There is no meaning to waiting and hoping. He is simply not coming; and you’re not going.

 

Once

Pain.

Heart-wrenching. 

Frustrating. 

Yet stubborness and desire are the two things that are on par in preventing any bit of effort. Stubborn to be unwilling to keep fighting for things to be fixed. Desire to be fought for. 

A desire for change. 

A desire to be worth it. 

A desire to be understood. 

A desire to be enough. 

There are two sides to a coin, to a story, to a fence. And if you were never to flip the side or the page, or to just cross over… You will only see one side – the view from where you stand. 

I invited you to come over. You didn’t try. 

I described what I see in front of me. I asked if there were some thorns near your feet. I tell you how my side looks like. Not much of it seem to reach your ears with the distance we had. 

And when you described your scenery of – not from where, but of – where you stood, I disagreed. It didn’t really match. But instead of trying more to help me see what you see, you turned away. 

This time, I choose not to follow you. I choose not to call out to you. 

I stayed where I am. And you didn’t even look back. 

For once, I wanted you to come over. Tell me I’m wrong. Ask me why. Tell me what you really felt. Ask me how. 

For once, I wanted you to take my hand and bring me over to see your place and place me in the same footprints of where you were and help me see. 

For once, I wanted you to stand in front of me and tell me what’s wrong. What needs to be done. What didn’t get across. 

For once, I wanted you to try… 

But…

Here we are. Distance growing. Backs turned. Just waiting. 

She cried

She cried not because of the words he said.

She cried not because of the silence.

She had told herself not to cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

Don’t cry.

She had told herself to be strong.

She cried because she’s not enough.

She cried because the answer is clear.

Words.

Made from a selection of 26 alphabets, mixed with an x number of possibilities.

Made from a selection of 26 alphabets, filled with emotions of love or hate.

Made from a selection of 26 alphabets, sent with feelings of anger or desperation.

Made from a selection of 26 alphabets, used to either comfort or hurt.

Made from a selection of 26 alphabets, you are the matchmaker of sweet endings or bitter goodbyes.

Made from a selection of 26 alphabets, words.

Love Lost, Lost Love.

Love: it’s such a difficult thing. It involves more than one person. Sometimes both might not be at their best with each other – at the same time or at different times. Sometimes, it becomes too much for one but always, when not even one is left to stay for the fight… all becomes lost.

Strength, ironically, is weak at times. And the human flesh has tendencies to give up fighting – tired of the fight, tired of the repeated rounds. Tired.

Hope, strangely, can betray us. Hoping that empathy can be given. Hoping that, in the event when one party decides it’s too much, would the other continue to fight? Would the other straighten up and be the stronger one instead? The answer is: no.

Anger – it’s the devil in us.

Writing About Advice on Writing

There are two best writing advice I’ve ever received.

One, to not care about whether I’m using ‘big’ words or not.

The best piece of writing is one that can be understood by a majority of people. Because, writing, is about telling a story and about getting the message sent across. It isn’t about showcasing how many words you know in the dictionary – sure, it’s an attribute to be admired. I wouldn’t deny that. I envy it myself.

The second, is to just let all the words flow out. Just type. Just write. Don’t hesitate. Grammar and what not can be changed. It’s the idea that’s waiting to get out. From there, it’s only a matter of sharpening the piece, refining it, and giving it a polish.

These two tips may not be THE best in the world, or even for everyone. But it works for me and they’re the ones I remember and stick close to heart. It’s what I agree, believe and understand. It makes sense.

I want some chocolates now.